Kill The Lights
by flannelninja
Summary: Kenny and Bebe are eachother's "perfect match..." At least in the eyes of Wendy and Cartman  not that they'll ever admit it.  Yet, Kenny breaks up with Bebe- for a boy! Cartman and Wendy are determined to find out who.
1. Ballroom Blitz

Chapter 1- Ballroom Blitz

Bebe had giggled when Kenny had invited her into the janitor's closet, tossing her curly golden locks over her shoulder and taking the hand that squeezed around hers and dragged her into the small room.

"You know the last time we got caught in here-"

"Bebe, I'm not here to make out with you." Kenny mumbled, sadly, wishing there was a better reason for being in the dank closet filled with dangerous chemicals other than needing to talk to her.

The smile fell from her face. "You have a condom then, I suppose?" She rubbed her hand behind her long, elegant neck, the sultry smirk returning. Kenny shook his head.

"Bebe, I'm not here for any of that stuff. We need to break up?" He grimaced, phrasing the serious sentiment as a question.

"Do we, now?" Bebe said, growing more and more pissy with each moment. Boys didn't break up with Bebe. Bebe broke up with boys. She was a superior type of woman, with the body to prove it. Who would ever give her up? Unless- "Is there somebody else?" She asked, her eyebrows furrowed. If there was another woman, she swore she would cut a bitch.

Kenny wisely avoided her death glare. Kenny knew better than to look into that magnetic stare of hate. Some girls walked away from relationships happier, feeling free and independent now that they were over. Some girls simply shrugged them off with ease. Bebe was not either type of girl. She would want revenge. He nodded his head weakly.

"Who!" She grabbed him around the collar, and pulled him closer to her. "I swear to god, if you don't tell me right this fucking second I will-"

"Butters!" He exclaimed quickly. He felt her loosen her grip, and adjusted himself accordingly. "It's... Butters..."

"How did... How did it happen?" Bebe asked quietly, finally stepping back, and leaning against the wall.

"Well, his father lost his job recently and he ended up confided in me and," he smiled. He was never an eloquent speaker, but the affection in his eyes and the curve of his lips said it all. Looking at him made Bebe sick to her stomach. He was only supposed to feel that way about her!

She opened the closet door, having a little trouble with the lock at first, but finally able to leave in a huff to the cafeteria. She had left her stuff there, and she needed to tell Wendy just what the poor shit had done to her. But Kenny, the poor shit in question, didn't feel the conversation was over. He had to make sure she was alright. He knew how sensitive she was. He didn't want her doing anything drastic to hurt herself (or Butters, for that matter).

They had just entered the cafeteria when Wendy and Stan walked in, in the middle of another one of their arguments. "I don't even know why you hang out with that fat ass!" She complained. If Stan had a penny for every fight Cartman had started between the long-term couple, he would have a shitload of pennies. What would one do with so many pennies? Probably head to the nearest Coin star... he thought to himself, tuning Wendy out as he usually did. It might've made him a bad boyfriend, but it also made him a not deaf one.

Bebe smiled seeing Wendy. It appeared that just seeing her best friend made her slightly happier. Of course, her being there came with the promise that she could rant about Kenny for the rest of the week. Kenny, not being able to see her grin as he was still walking behind her, decided it was time to grab her attention.

The blonde reached out with his sleeve covered hand and tapped the girl on the shoulder. She whipped around immediately, fist first, unfortunately for Kenny. The boy held his jaw shocked, unmoving. For some reason, this made the girl even angrier.

She tackled the boy, continuing to knock him around on the floor. Kenny scrambled to get away, but the blonde girl was too much for the malnourished boy. He couldn't push her off of him, so he decided, at the very least, to block his face. It was fifteen minutes before the security guards were able to pull Bebe off of him, and he was very much worse for the wear.

Bruises and cuts laced his face. A large crowd had gathered around them, including their friends front and center. Some, like Cartman cheered for the spectacle. Others, like Stan and Kyle merely winced. It looked incredibly painful. When Bebe was finally pulled away, she spit at him, taking away his last trace of dignity.

"Man, Kenny..." Cartman said, as everyone trailed off to class when the first bell rang. Kenny still laid on the floor, happy he wasn't dead, although he did run the risk, as he was struggling not to choke on the blood. "What the fuck did you do to piss her off?"

Kenny mumbled, picking himself off the ground and heading to the water fountain. "Really, man. What did you do?" Eric asked, ravenous for juicy information as always.

"Fuck off Fat ass!" Kenny shrieked, feeling more than a little dizzy. He began to lap up the water desperately trying to get the metallic taste out of his mouth. It was disgusting. He wished that Cartman would leave him alone for once.

"Chill out, dude. Did you get a little sand in your vagina when your girlfriend rubbed your face into the floor? Goddamit, Janitors." He squinted at a passing custodian. "Do your job, Mexican!" He called. The Latina woman simply shrugged; and continued to mop.

Kenny rolled his eyes, breaking away from the water fountain. Eric was definitely not going to leave unless he got what he wanted to hear. "I broke up with her..." He mumbled.

Carman's eyes went wide. His eyebrows shot up. No one broke up with Bebe! She was the hottest girl in school! Well, second hottest in Eric's mind but still! Eric had believed that Bebe and Kenny were perfect for one another, as faggy as it sounded. Which probably just made the blow even harder. The cogs in Cartman's brain began to twirl. She would probably be on the rebound now... and easy to manipulate. Of course, it'd be even easier if Kenny would stop being a dick and give him all the information he needed.

"Why?" He feigned shock. As perfect a pair as the couple had been, Cartman really didn't give a shit about either of them. Except now that there was a possibility he could get laid.

Kenny wiped the excess water from his mouth, mumbling.

"Nobody can hear you when you mumble like that, bitch."

Kenny sighed. "I'm going out with somebody else..."

"That's vague. Got yourself a little boyfriend?" Cartman laughed. People were always vague around him, usually because everyone knew Cartman was not to be trusted. Yet, he didn't expect the answer that came out of his friend's mouth.

"...Yes..." Kenny stared deep into Cartman's eyes, daring him to say anything. But, Cartman was far too horrified. His closest friend... a faggot? What was the world coming to? Cartman backed up slowly first, and then turned his back and ran. He could've already been catching the gay.. and that meant not getting into heaven. He couldn't risk that. Not for any amount of information. First, Stan and Kyle's "super best friends" bullshit and now this? The homosexuality was spreading through the air!

Kenny shrugged. That had worked out better than he thought. He expected Cartman to make fun of him or something, or at the very least ask him who he was going out with. That's what he personally would have done.

Kenny reminded himself he shouldn't question being lucky. He also shouldn't question why Butters was going out with him. But he couldn't help it... Just comparing himself to the other blonde boy made him feel feeble.

"Butters? What are you doing here?" Kenny asked, wiping the sleep from his eyes.

"I... I didn't know where else to go Kenny... my dad! He lost his job... and, and..." Warm tears fell down the smaller boy's face. Kenny wrapped him up in his arms, pulling him into the house and closing the door.

"It's going to be okay, Butters. You know that." Butters... despite his happy-go-lucky attitude had terrible anxiety,

and Kenny knew it. He had told him that whenever he felt a panic attack coming on, he should call him. He didn't mean for Butter's to bike all the way over to his home in the dark and the cold though. He pet his hair lovingly. "It's okay..."

Butters suddenly got unto his tiptoes. "Kenny..." he said, salt water streaming down his face still. He kissed the other boy's cheek. It was... warm. And soft. And unlike any kiss Kenny had ever recieved before. Because it actually meant the other person cared about him. It meant that Butters loved him, like Kenny had for so long, loved Butters.

He had taken Butters to his room, gently. They had laid next to each other all night, talking, crying and smiling their time away until the morning.

"Hey, Butters?"

"Heya Kenny…" The blonde boy smiled.

"Aren't you gonna get in trouble?"

"Yeah… but I… I don't really care right now." He giggled. Kenny's heart fluttered. Bebe called at least fifteen times that Saturday morning, but the boys were fast asleep. The long night had been a lot for the both of them.

_It had been stressful, and… wonderful_… Kenny thought to himself, remembering the weekend. Kenny had finally taken Butters home that night, completely safe and sound, thought Butters was sure his parents would ground him for a year. It turned out his parents were to depressed and void of motivation to care. Kenny hoped this meant he would be receiving a lot more night-time visits.


	2. Itchycoo Park

Chapter 2- Itchycoo Park

Wendy followed Bebe and the security guards into the office. Once getting to the office, she was easily able to bullshit her and her best friend's way out of there without getting them into any additional trouble. The principal even suggested the two take off for the day to relax and calm down. Wendy had nodded fervently and victoriously, taking Bebe by the hand and dragging her crying puffy ass out of there.

Wendy took Bebe to the only place she knew that could make Bebe feel better: Stark's pond. She always loved to sit around and look at the frogs hop around happily… except for today, apparently. She wasn't even able to calm herself down enough to dish about the drama she had caused, which was Bebe's all time favorite activity. She simply continued to hiccup out sobs and cry as the makeup dripped down her face.

"For god's sake, Bebe!" Wendy smacked Bebe across the face harshly. It's what one was supposed to do when someone was being hysterical. "Get over yourself and tell me what happened already."

The girl looked at Wendy effectively shocked out of her self-pitying stupor, and began to slowly explain passionately. "He took me into the closet this morning like he usually did, and he—"

Got a little too fresh, Wendy supposed, but she had no idea what was coming next.

"He broke up with me!"

Wendy gasped. "No one breaks up with you! Ever!" Bebe had been doing the breaking up since the fifth grade when her boobs began growing bigger than any other's in the class. She wore the tightest clothes, had the biggest breasts, and the kinkiest personality. She was everything a pervert like Kenny could possibly have required! So why did they break up? Wendy didn't want to admit it, but she had always thought the two were perfect for one another. If Kenny and Bebe couldn't make it, what chance had Stan and her have with their constant fights and constant aggravation at one another?

However, Wendy, knowing her friend far too well to make this situation about her, did not voice her concerns to her best friend in the world. Wendy could talk about her possible break-up with Stan anytime. There would only be a short period for Bebe to talk about her actual one.

"But…" Bebe said slowly, "He did!" She broke down once more, and Wendy had to resist the urge to slap her again. Instead, she calmly and reasonably asked her if Kenny had possibly given her a reason. "Yes… Kenny… Kenny's going out with…"

Wendy's eyelids popped open. Kenny was going out with someone else? They all knew he was a man whore, but they never expected _him _to cheat on Bebe. Even he had thought it was supposed to be the other way around. Wendy narrowed her eyes. "How dare he? Who was it with?" Wendy knew how to make anyone's life a living hell.

"A-A… boy!" Bebe sobbed into her friend's supporting shoulder. Wendy gasped. She didn't know Kenny was gay! He seemed more heterosexual than anyone. This mysterious must be really and truly special to him to have converted him. They also had to be dumb as shit to mess with Wendy's best friend.

Cartman made his way to class, still in complete shock. No one could knock him out of his state of shock. Kyle must have called him "Fat ass" at least a hundred times, and there was no mention of him just being "big-boned," "husky," "fluffy" or any other cutesy substitute for "chunky piece of lard." It was the teacher that finally got through to him at the end of his last period.

"Class dismissed."

"Fuck yes!" He cheered, racing out of the classroom before his teacher could reprimand him. There was one thing and one thing alone that could force Cartman out of his slump: pot. He had started the habit when he hit the 8th grade and Craig had started selling to his "friend" Cartman for cheap. In return Cartman had alerted the authorities to the immigration status of certain drug dealers in the neighborhood, skyrocketing Craig's sale. Being able to get weed whenever he wanted made the novelty wear off, but he had to admit it was still pretty fucking enjoyable.

He went home quickly and grabbed the stash from the bottom of his underwear drawer. He walked to the park alone, smoking away. Although his mother spoiled his proclaimed lazy ass, she didn't like the smell, apparently it reminded her too much of some past relationship. Cartman didn't get the big deal, his mom had had plenty of past relationships. What was the big deal about remembering them?

Usually, he walked over to Stark's pond and back, smoking along the way. This time was no different, although it seemed he was tripping more than he usually did.

Wendy took Bebe's sniveling and puffy mass home, gently sliding her into bed. Thankfully, Bebe's parents were at work and she wouldn't have to explain the whole mess. She could leave that to their lovely blonde daughter. On the way out the door, she saw another familiar mass… one that was far more baked than Bebe, although it seemed no less upset.

Was Eric Cartman… moping? Her eyes widened. She hurried alongside him. He barely noticed, until he finally jumped away. "Wendy?" He asked.

"Yeah, it's me." She said smirking. Something was satisfying about seeing an asshole like Cartman who made everyone's life miserable of a daily basis so depressed.

He sighed, taking another drag. "What the fuck are you doing here, ho?" Wendy rolled her eyes. Cartman's attitude could change faster than him eating a bucket of KFC.

"Why do you always call me that? I am not a ho, and you know it!" Wendy cried.

Now it was Cartman's turn to roll his eyes. "Bitch, I don't know your life!" Cartman huffed. Wendy turned to storm off, but the large boy grabbed her sleeve. "You leavin'?"

"Why shouldn't I? You're just going to insult me, fat ass."

"More cushion for the pushin', hippie." He retorted. The girl tugged her sleeve away from the boy, starting to pace away.

"D-Don't leave." He called. For some reason it seemed very lonely to get high in a park alone. Usually he brought around Butters or something, but he wasn't picking up his phone. The voicemail he had left hadn't been pleasant: "Why'd I steal you that thing if you never fucking answer, pussy?" He shook his head, deciding to focus on "the now."

Wendy flitted back cautiously. "Why?"

Cartman bit back a "Because I said so, ho," and instead settled for an ambiguous, "Because I want you to."

Wendy bit her lip. Cartman hadn't changed much from elementary school. He was still mean, racist, fat… and yet, charming, ambitious and cunning. It was an interesting and compelling a mix as always, and her inner humanitarian (/weak willed female) wanted desperately to learn more about the fascinating creature, and observe him perhaps on a more close and personal level.

"What are you staring at, ho?"

Wendy rolled her eyes, finally trudging off, despite Cartman's cries for her to come back and stay with him. He grumbled, stumbling back unto the sidewalk. He didn't need her, or anybody in this hick town.

Kenny and Butters sat adjacent to one another, the sound on the television turned all the way down. Each was only pretending to watch, the thrill of sitting next to each other so great. Kenny had a bruise on his cheek, and a bit of dried blood under his nose.

"I'm awful sorry it went so bad, Kenny"

"That's okay, Butters. It was bound to happen eventually—" _and I'm just glad I can be with you now_, he added in his thoughts. A lot of things were bound to happen eventually, Kenny realized. Like people finding out about his new boyfriend, not that he was ashamed but… "Butters, you know what would make this really special?"

"Turning the sound back on?" Butters was suddenly enraptured by the commercials attacking the screen.

"If we didn't tell anybody about it!" Kenny said, a fake smile springing across his face. He knew how people would act. They would scare Butters off, calling Kenny a whore… saying that he wasn't good enough for Butters. Or they would beat the both of them up for being fags. Either way, it was not a good situation to be in.

Butters sighed. "You're… you're embarrassed of me?" Butters bit his lip, and Kenny's heart plummeted.

"I'm not embarrassed… I'm just… scared, I guess?" Kenny wasn't sure himself.

Butters moved closer to the boy, moving his hand to the boy's thigh. Kenny tried to remember it was an innocent gesture and not an invitation. Despite this, it was, surprisingly, really and truly reassuring.

"I get it, Kenny." The smaller boy smiled. "We'll just keep it all hush-hush for now."

Kenny grinned. His secret boyfriend was absolutely adorable.


	3. Sympathy for the Devil

Author's Note: Thank you, so much to the people who are reading this story. It makes my day Yet, I'm starting to believe no one's interested in it... Review, please?

Chapter 3- Sympathy for the Devil

Cartman paced the pond angrily. Why wasn't Butters picking up his phone? What was going on that was so important? _I swear to god, if his bastard mother took his god damn phone again, I'm going to chop her up and serve her to her stupid husband. _This was important! If anybody would know who Kenny was going out with, it was Butters! They were his two closest friends, and somehow, they had forged a noticeable bond in the past few years. They were always hanging out, passing notes, walking each other to their classes… if Cartman tried to hang out with Kenny he already had plans with Butters and vice versa. Jesus knows what they're doing-

Cartman's jaw dropped. It all made sense. The recent close-ness? The time spent away from their best friend in the world? Why else would anyone not want to pick up when Eric Cartman was calling? They were fucking each other! How dare they! How could they—do that to him? Eric gagged, imagining his friends bodies rubbing against one another's. It was disgusting. It was revolting. The fags must be stopped.

Wendy slammed the door shut, still fuming. Why did Cartman feel the need to constantly order her around? She had never done anything to him! She ran up the stairs, ignoring her mother, which she would later regret. She desperately needed to rant to somebody. She turned on her laptop and laid down in her bed, tapping her fingers on the wall as she waited. When it finally turned on, she quickly logged unto facebook, looking desperately for someone on her friends list to be online. Sadly, the only person online was Red. Red and her had stopped hanging out in the sixth grade. Still, it was better than no one.

"Hey." She typed slowly, thinking twice before finally pushing enter.

"Hello," came the reply. "I'm surprised you're talking to me."

After a long and emotional conversation about why they didn't talk anymore (ending with apologies and a lot of sad faces from both sides), Red asked Wendy was doing.

"Sort of pissed actually."

"Why?"

"Cartman…"

"Ah. I feel kinda bad for the guy to be honest."

"You feel sorry for Eric Cartman? Even after the Chile incident?" She was not referring to the incident in which Eric fed a child his parents. She was referring to the one that happened the week before, where he had put some strange chemical in the school cafeteria food. Luckily, only Kenny was hungry enough to still eat the green material. Still, murder is murder. And everybody knew about Red's little crush on Kenny.

"Yeah, well think of it this way: Pretty much everyone hates him. And now his only friends are practically dating."

"Who's practically dating? I know about Stan and Kyle's "super best friend schtick, but..."

"No, no. Stan's dating you," Red added a smiley face just for good measure, "Butters and Kenny. I should know. Wait, that doesn't make me sound like a stalker, does it?"

As much as it did, Wendy lied. "No, not at all…" Then she gasped. It all made sense! Of course! Kenny and Butters weren't just "practically dating" they… they were!

No wonder Bebe had been so upset. She must have been so blindsided. If Stan suddenly went out with Kyle, Wendy didn't know what she'd do. Wendy needed to do something. She needed to break them up! Or… something like that…

Stan went home sadly. According to Mrs. Testaburger, his girlfriend wasn't home yet. For some reason, just walking back home without her seemed such a lonely activity. He wondered if that made him whipped. He decided to go to Kyle's house instead of his own.

Kyle opened the door wide, sucking his teeth. "Come on in, Stan,"

"Why don't you just turn it off?" Kenny asked exasperatedly.

"The last time I turned one of his phones off it exploded…" Butters explained cautiously.

The phone stopped ringing suddenly. Kenny and Butters snuggled in closer together. They both had a terrible feeling in their stomachs.


	4. Don't Tell Mama

**A/N: I GOT A REVIEW! –does silly happy dance— (If you haven't noticed by now, all chapter titles are taken from some of my favorite songs. This one's from Cabaret, if you were wondering)**

Chapter 4- Don't tell Mama

Kenny had insisted on sleeping over at Butter's house, and despite protests that he should go home and get a good night's rest for school the next day, he had snuck in through the window anyway. Kenny hadn't died in a while, and he knew he was testing his luck climbing up into his secret boyfriend's room, but he felt it was ultimately necessary. If he didn't watch over the boy, who would? Cartman was, as everyone knew in South Park, a force to be reckoned with. Sure enough, who should come climbing through the window at three O' clock in the morning, but the infamous miscreant himself… with a personal vendetta… and a secret.

"Hello there, boys," called Cartman, drawing out the "s" as long as possible, until he noticed Kenny jump out of Butters' bed in only his boxers. "MY GOD," he shouted, gagging. In his head he added an exclamatory "IT'S TRUE!" Somewhere deep in his heart, he knew he had hoped it was just a fabrication of his mind, like that time he had dreamed up the aliens who probed his anus. What a load of bull shit. To this day, he still didn't-

"I'ah… Hi, Cartman?" Butters said meagerly, peeking his blonde head up from behind the covers.

"Dirty fags…" Cartman muttered. Well, as long as Butters was here, he could relay his message. "We-"he stopped himself. It was a bad idea to give out your ally's name. "My partner asked me to relay a message."

"I thought we were the only partners around—"Kenny teased, only to be cut off by a hiss from Cartman.

"He says your filthy relationship… it's as good as dead! Seriouslah!" Cartman added. Butters giggled.

Eric glared at the smaller boys, "Respect my authority and be warned!"

Kenny rested his face on his palm. "Your authority as second in command?"

"What do you mean?" Cartman said, a trace of worry wriggling its way on to his features.

"You're just a messenger. You're not actually going to do anything…"

Cartman then smiled, taking a sweater from off of the dresser and tying it around his neck. It billowed in the sudden draft coming through the already opened window. "That's what you think. Say blackmail!" There was a sudden flash, and he was gone.

Wendy Testaburger was in the middle of a very nice dream. She and Stan were at a lovely restaurant, chatting away and sipping champagne elegantly—pinky fingers out and whatnot. "I hope you don't mind, darling," He said, winking at her in his luxurious tailored suit, "I invited a couple friends."

"Of course not, dear," she grinned cheekily, "the more the merrier."

Then in walked the company, Stan's so called friends. It was Eric. Well… there was a much older, handsomer, muscular Eric, with a very blonde and very pregnant Bebe. They looked very charming together. Wendy suddenly realized that Bebe had gotten pregnant before her. She looked to her hand: no ring! Bebe… Bebe had gotten married before her? To Eric Cartman? She hadn't even shown any interest in him! He slid his hand around her waist, guiding her to the table.

"Sit down, ho." He teased. She laughed. _I thought Eric only called me that._

Then, in walked another spectacle. Kyle Broflovski, dressed as a clown. _Okay, now I'm confused…_ "Heya Wendy!" The clown shouted, jumping up and down. Wendy was terrified of clowns. She ducked under the table. "I'm fucking your boyfriend!"

"WHAT?" Wendy shrieked, her eyes were widened, and pulse was quickened. She tried to calm herself, but knew after that dream; it was going to be a long a restless night. At least there was one thing she didn't have to worry about.

Eric snickered, walking back home in the dark. He had all the evidence he needed now… all according to plan. Now he would just have to take the picture and the recorder back to Wendy, who apparently knew how to deal with that kind of shit. Eric was never that good with making stuff look "pretty" and didn't even care enough to argue. Eric laughed to himself again, wondering exactly what was going through those faggots' heads as they tried to calm each other down.

"Oh Kenny," the Butters of Eric's imagination stated melodramatically, "What ever shall we do?"

"Oh Butters," the Imaginary Kenny embraced Butters, and Cartman made a face. Gross. "I doth not know."

Cartman practically busted a spleen laughing, walking up the stairs to his room. He was glad Liane was asleep; it meant less questions. It also meant no midnight snacks. The boy snapped his chubby fingers and continued up the stairs.

Kenny and Butters were dumbfounded. Had… Had that really just happened? Had Eric Cartman basically jumped through a window, insulted them, taken a picture and left? To make matters worse… he had woken up Butters' parents. Kenny gave his love a quick peck on the cheek, grabbed his clothes and made himself scarce.

"Butters?" Mr. Scotch called.

"Yeah, dad?" The boy squeaked, collecting his bearings. Why was his window becoming such a popular hotspot? People jumping in and out at random… it was enough to give the poor boy a heart attack! And then what would his parents do? _Probably ground me_… he thought bitterly to himself.

As happy as Butters had become being around Kenny so much, inside he had always been a tad aggravated with his parents. Nothing was ever acceptable in the household. There were rules for everything. They controlled everything they could about him. There was one thing they'd never be able to change: his sexuality. No matter how they tried. Secretly, he believed they knew it. And maybe, just maybe, it scared the shit out of them. Butters face twisted with a wicked grin. As naïve and innocent as the boy was, everyone loved a dose of power.


	5. Girlfriend

**A/N: This chapter is mostly about Stan and Kyle's little adventure the night before. Ah, you thought I forgot about them, didn't you? Nope. I was saving something special for them… and a special song to go with it.**

Chapter 5- Girlfriend

Kyle Broflovski led Stan up the stairs to his room, a path very familiar to the both of them. Honestly, Kyle couldn't count the number of times he and Stan had walked into his room alone… and every time his super best friend left… he felt like another chance had as well. Kyle shut the door sighing, and Stan began to rant, staring at the posters around the room of random bands Kyle had been into in the sixth grade and lots and lots of videogames.

"She never tells me where she's going anymore! And we never hang out—except for when we walk together to school. She spends the whole time bitching at me about this and that, and this and that… and" suddenly the other boy snapped. He leaped at the boy, pushing him against the door.

"That's enough talking." He said, his voice becoming husky and sultry.

"Kyle… what're you—" But did Stan even have to ask?

"You come here every day complaining about her," Kyle said angrily. "Wendy, Wendy, blah blah blah blah. I don't understand why you even go out with her," He whispered. His heated breath on Stan's ear made him blush.

"I-I…"

"I don't. Like. Your. Girlfriend." Kyle spat finally, before leaning in and lightly pecking the brunette on his soft lips.

"What the hell? Kyle, I—" Kyle rolled his eyes, moving in again.

"You always were a pussy." Kyle pressed his mouth against his counterpart's, and massaged his tongue into Stan's, who moaned in pleasure. Kyle moved away, placing a hand on the boy's chest. "Stan, why can't I be your girlfriend?"

"Kyle… you're a boy…" Stan said, sadness in his eyes and something else Kyle couldn't quite make out. Lust, perhaps? Maybe fickle Wendy wasn't putting out…

"I would be a mother fucking princess if you wanted me to be!" Kyle groaned. It was true. He was so eager to please the only boy, nay, person, he had ever loved outside his own family.

"Kyle, please. I… I don't want you to change,"

Kyle's face turned red and blotchy, the way it always did when he was upset, although the speed of the change was remarkable. "Then maybe you should just get the fuck out and—"

"'Cuz I like you just the way you are!" Stan caught the other boy in a heartfelt kiss, one that apologized, explained, and confessed all at the same time.

"Wow." Kyle said, now stuck in a daze. Such kisses usually do bring stupor upon the kiss-ee. "What are you going to tell Wendy?" He asked quietly, hoping that Stan wouldn't be a dick enough to say, "Nothing. This doesn't mean I have to tell her anything," and knowing that after that kiss, he wouldn't.

"Maybe we don't have to _tell_ her anything…" Stan began.

"You bastard! You just kiss a poor innocent Jewish boy and leave him? What the fuck, Stan?"

"I'm not finished. Remember that time Cartman—" Kyle stopped him. He knew all too well about _that_ time. "Well, I know a way to get payback."

Wendy walked into the cafeteria holding her boyfriend's hand. They hadn't fought at all that morning. It made Stan's stomach churn. She pushed the door open, dropping his hand… and all eyes were on her. Crude and explicit photographs of her boyfriend and his super best friend lined the walls, along with a giant red banner. "Wendy Testaburger, will you go out with me?" it asked.

Eric Cartman walked in right behind her, mumbling to himself about how long it took to park his truck out there. He finally noticed the quiet, not that he really cared. He looked around to see what the source of the lack of commotion was about. The husky boy smiled for a moment. He knew it. Stan and Kyle were fags. Then, he made a certain realization. If somebody had put this up then tomorrow—

"You!" Wendy turned abruptly, facing the brunette.

"Fuck…" He groaned to himself, bracing himself for the beating that was about to come.

"YOU RUINED EVERYTHING, FATASS!" The rage from finding out her boyfriend had cheated her and that the fat ass had dared ask her out in such a manner as well as ruin their plans culminated in features. Stan was sensibly scared shitless.

"I'm not fat, I'm big—"

Wendy lunged at the boy, knocking him to the ground. Stan felt the strongest need to run away and talk to Kyle immediately. He couldn't lift his eyes away from the spectacle. Wendy pounded her fist into the boy's face again and again.

"Wendy—ow-think!—ow—About it!—Why would I ruin the—ow—plan like that!—And, more than that, you're obviously—ow—too good for me," he gushed, hoping it would gain him favor, "And I'm fat and lazy." He had caught her attention. She paused. "I don't have the balls to ask you out."

Cartman, surprisingly, was right. He wouldn't have done all this, because, although Eric liked to get his point across through flamboyant gestures such as this, he would never have asked her out in the first place. That still didn't explain one thing. "What about our plan?" She hissed into his ear.

"Blind luck, I suppose. Maybe we'll just have to think of something a tad more creative." Wendy hmph-ed, lifting herself elegantly off of the boy. Eric slipped the evidence into her hand. Security guards began to enter the room, as did the janitors to rip the pictures of the walls.

Cartman sighed. He really was hoping Karma would get her and Wendy would at the very least get in trouble. However, she'd probably just talk her way out. It wasn't fair. Why were his main adversaries so god damn smart?


	6. Low Rider

Chapter 5- Low Rider

Cartman had invited Wendy to come to Burger King with him for lunch. Seniors were allowed to leave the premises during the period, however, Cartman was far too lazy and usually had no reason to. Today, he had a plan: an excellent plan. Eric might have been a bigot and an idiot, but he knew when he was aroused. And today, Wendy Testaburger had given him a hard-on.

He had to have her.

But, to be honest, he was a little surprised she had actually shown up. She entered the car in a huff, for some reason slightly sweaty and out of breath. Despite the weather, she looked positively scalding.

"You look hot, hoe."

"Pig. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and you're already coming unto me?" She began to close the car door in his face.

"Wait!" He rolled down the window quickly and began to call out to her. Several students turned. "You anorexic bitch! I was talking about temperature!" She turned around, sneaking back to the car.

He sighed, staring down at the steering wheel. Plan ruined. Mistakes like that didn't happen to Eric. They happened to people like Stan or Kyle. He was slowly turning into a schmuck. He didn't like the thought of that. Wendy pulled open the door, sitting back down.

"I just had P.E." Eric pulled out of the parking lot with a smile on his face.

Eric pulled into the Panera, with a grin. He knew that the hippie chick would eat that shit up. Wendy raised her eyebrow, and stopped explaining the uselessness of gym to the boy. "Panera?"

"Yeah. I love this place," he lied through his teeth. In truth, he knew it was for asshole vegetarians and their douche bag friends.

Wendy blinked. That was out of character. But, this was her favorite place to eat. She wasn't going to complain, especially if Eric was buying like he mentioned in the car. Eric helped her out of the car with a shit-eating grin on his face. _I guess chivalry isn't dead after all… not if Eric Cartman's doing it._

O-O-O

"So what's the plan?" Wendy asked, looking down at her salad. Eric had gotten one too. God knows this place didn't have any real food.

"I came up with the last plan."

"And that ended up soooooo well." Wendy replied angrily. The break-up was fresh in her mind, and she still subconsciously blamed Cartman for what had happened. It was his plan. Somehow, some way, it must've been his fault that it'd been stolen and embarrassed her in front of the whole school. She hated Karma.

"Hey, bitch, I already told you it wasn't me!" He stood, ready to leave her there and return to school without her.

"Settle down! God! People are watching!" And indeed, that outburst had been seen by the other two people there. Cartman rolled his eyes.

"Why don't we just do it the old fashioned way?" Cartman asked.

"The old fashioned way?"

"We have the pictures. We blackmail 'em. Easy as pie," Cartman licked his lips. He really wanted pie now.

Wendy's eyes widened. That… that made sense! And then they'd stop dating, and Bebe and Kenny would get back together… eventually. This was just a phase Kenny was going through. He would've gone back to Bebe sooner or later. Cartman and Wendy were just… helping it along.

"Sounds good to me," she smirked. Cartman licked his lips again… but he wasn't thinking about pie this time.

O-O-O

The car ride home was uneventful at best, something strange kept them from speaking to one another again. Was it fear? Pride? No… something else… Cartman swallowed hard as they came to a stop light.

His thigh accidentally brushed into Wendy's. She stared at him, her blue eyes meeting his own. Wendy craned her neck towards him, and Cartman very gently pressed his mouth to hers. Wendy moaned in pleasure, and the sound sent him over the edge. Was he her rebound? Did he care? Thoughts blazed through his thick head as he kissed the girl, caressing her hair he had wanted so desperately that morning to touch.

Cars honked behind them, and Cartman bashfully turned away. The couple blushed violently, turning away from each other. As soon as the car was back to the school, Wendy met the boy's lips again, and left the car without another word.

Cartman sighed, and shook his head quickly. Time to get to business.

O-O-O

Kenny McCormick didn't understand what was going on. Butters had basically ignored the pictures, except for his remarks that Stan and Kyle were a cute couple. And… and walking through the parking lot… he thought… he thought he had seen Wendy and Cartman making out! Just this morning she was beating his face in! Nothing made sense anymore. Who had put up those photos? And… how had they gotten them in the first place? They weren't as innocent as the ones Cartman had taken of him and his boyfriend. These were… dirty. Wouldn't Kyle and Stan have been more careful with that sort of activity? His head was so full of these thoughts that he didn't even realize when he had bumped into Stan Marsh… who was also freaking out.

He had felt awful after putting up the pictures. He expected Wendy to be angry… but she was a smart girl. He didn't expect her to cry like that. Of course, he didn't know the tears were just for show. She wasn't above getting out of trouble by causing a security guard to feel sorry for her. Stan felt positively awful. For some reason, perhaps it was the elation of finally going out with Kyle; he hadn't expected to feel guilty afterwards. But he did, oh… he most definitely did.

So when he bumped into Kenny, he may have accidentally blurted everything out to him: His crush on Kyle, their new relationship, and their entire plan. To say Kenny was a shock was an understatement. He promised not to tell anyone… but secretly, he knew exactly what he would do with the information. He'd feel bad, but really… didn't Stan kind of deserve it?s


	7. Queens of Noise

A/N: It's my birthday! So a chapter for you! And a review for me? Please?

Chapter 7- Queens of Noise

Cartman crawled through Butters open window. He really needed to close the damn thing. He groaned when he realized Kenny was there again… and dressed in his Mysterion outfit. "Mysterion" faced the wall, not looking back even when Cartman spoke. Butters was hiding under the covers. He knew the drill.

"Kinneh, turn around you douche hole! We have business!" Cartman whined.

"I know."

Cartman grinned deviously, taking one of the many copies of the photos out of his pocket. "You want this? Only copy…" He lied.

Kenny turned around grabbing at the photo. They played tug of war for a moment, both struggling with the picture before it ripped in half. Cartman sighed, taking another picture out of his pocket.

"I thought you said it was the only copy!"

Cartman chuckled deeply to himself. "I'm not an idiot—"

"Could've fooled me…"

"Ay! Anyway, I'm supposed to blackmail you now. I have alllll these pictures, plus that audio recording of you fags. And all you have to do to make this all go away is stop dating."

"Why?" Kenny blinked in sudden realization. "Wendy…"

Cartman shrugged. It was also partially because he was afraid to catch the homo, but that didn't really matter right now.

"If you give me all those pictures right now, and the audio tape, I'll tell you who put up the pictures of Stan and Kyle!" Kenny said quickly.

Cartman was curious. He wanted to reward that person for a job well done. And also kick his ass for trying to ask _his _girl out. How dare he?

"Don't you want to know the competition?" Kenny smirked.

"You know?"

"I know."

Cartman bit the inside of his cheek, finally taking all fifty eight of the pictures out of his pocket and handing them over to Kenny, who placed them on the night stand, Butters reached out from under the covers and grabbed them, squeaking when he saw Kenny in his boxers. He placed them back on the night stand. Kenny raised his eyebrows, holding his hand out for the audio recording. Cartman gave it to him.

"It was Stan," Kenny finally said. Cartman's eyes widened. Butters gasped.

"What. A. Pussy!" Cartman finally exclaimed. "He couldn't say it himself, so he had to hurt her like that? What the fuck? I have half a mind to beat the shit out of that fag!" Cartman was furious. Kenny was shocked. First off, he had given him the photos with hardly any condition. That was so unlike him. And since when did he give a shit about anybody but himself?

Kenny stared daggers at the boy as he asked him an unspoken question.

"I am not whipped!" Cartman snapped, turning his back on the boy. He began to talk to himself. "The coon was surrounded…" He jumped out of the window head first, rolling unto the lawn. "Holy shit that was cool! Neh Neh Neh Neh Neeeeeeh Neh! I have co-ordinayyyytion." He chanted, sticking his middle finger up at the caped crusader looking down at him.

Kenny laid his face in his palm. What a dumbass.

O-O-O

Wendy laid in bed, her window open and waiting. Cartman had told her to keep it open. She groaned, shivering. It was fucking cold out. When was the Fatass going to get there? She heard a moan as an unknown identity crawled through her window. _Speak of the Devil_…

The dark figure slumped to the floor without a glance at her. "Cartman?" She whispered, turning the light on. The girl gasped. Cartman was wearing his Coon outfit. Why did he still have that?

He rolled over, and Wendy finally saw the problem. She winced. His claws were stuck in his chest. He looked exhausted.

"You idiot," Wendy scolded. "What happened?"

"Well, I went to Butters' house, and Kenny was there in his Mysterion costume… and I wanted to wear mine too… so I ran home to put it on 'cuz I was excited and then well… I got tired… and fell and now my claws won't come out." The brunette looked as though he was about to cry.

Wendy's gaze softened. He was almost cute when he was all flustered like this. He was acting like a big baby. Wendy helped him detach the claws from his flesh, and clean the wounds. She even got out the Terrance and Phillip band-aids.

"Did you do it?" She asked casually, placing the band-aid on the boy's torn skin.

"Do what?"

She rolled her eyes. "Blackmail them."

Cartman began to look sheepish again, until an evil smirk found its way on to the boy's face. He knew how to avoid this question. "Shut up and kiss me, hoe." He pulled the back of her head towards his own, their lips met, and this kiss wasn't like their others. The others were products of momentary passion. This was… the product of… _something more,_ Wendy thought to herself. She hadn't expected it, but maybe these short rendezvous would lead to something wonderful…

O-O-O

The next day, Wendy saw Butters and Kenny walking hand in hand down the hallway. She was pissed.


End file.
